Hope

What's the one thing that keeps us going? Hope. Hope to pay the bills, hope to find love, hope to have the things we want. Hope. What happens when you lose hope? When you can no longer hope to see a better future, to think that next year will be better than this year?
As you can see I'm not happy, and yes, feeling hopeless. 
It's been a bad year on the farm, every field was flooded for over 2 months when things should have been growing. Instead they were sat drowning.  The 7000 celeriac we planted turned yellow and stopped growing,  the potatoes were sat in thick sludgy mud, we couldn't get on the fields to hoe the weeds away, or make the land ready for the next plants I needed to plant.  So all the brassicas grown in little modules turned yellow and stunted waiting to be planted. When we finally got onto the land and planted everything was late, then it got very hot which made half of the plants instantly go to seed. Fennel, chard, nearly instantly they were useless. The cabbages rotted but it didn't really matter as I couldn't sell them.
Then the courgettes were ready, I think I sold 3 quids worth,  we mainly ate them ourselves.
All this while waiting to see a physio, then waiting to have a scan, then physio again...then waiting to see a consultant,  then another consultant,  then a pre op, to find I had a heart murmur,  now waiting on a scan for that to see if I can have my 22 cm incisional hernia fixed.
I know the only reason the farm continued while dad was alive was because he had his pension to live on. For at least 20 years the farm hasn't had anything invested in it, no new machinery, nothing. We're still using machinery and tractors made in the 1950s and 1960s.  And they all need repair. All.
So, hope. None. There is no place in the modern world for smallholdings like this one. All the rest are gone.
I've cancelled the 3 magazines subscriptions. I've not had my hair cut in a year. I've put off going to the dentist. I've bought 1 new dress, 2 pairs of jeggings and a pair of shorts cos nothing from last summer fits after loosing 2 1/2 stone. I went through my stored clothes to find everything else. (Yes, I store all my old clothes, in different sizes! )
I still wear my 10 yr old overalls for work. I've not bought any Avon. My lovely full shelves are getting empty. My wellies leak.

Do you know what I just did? I went back and read all my old entries. Right from the start. And I did something I've not done in a few months. I lol'd. 
So, if anyone still reads this DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER HOW BAD IT IS!
BBS x maybe